They try to make up for this by spending obscene amounts of time and energy perfecting their online identities; girls typically by editing their photos and posting content to make others envious, and boys often push the limits by performing dangerous and egregious stunts. Unfortunately, the more they fake their content, and the more their real-life persona doesn’t match up to the virtual character they’ve created, the worse they feel about themselves. They’re constantly performing, in a sense.

“Adolescence and the early twenties in particular are the years in which you are acutely aware of the contrasts between who you appear to be and who you think you are,” says Dr. Donna Wick, Ed.D, Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Mind to Mind Parent. “It’s similar to the ‘imposter syndrome’ in psychology. As you get older and acquire more mastery, you begin to realize that you actually are good at some things, and then you feel that gap hopefully narrow. But imagine having your deepest darkest fear be that you aren’t as good as you look, and then imagine needing to look that good all the time! It’s exhausting.”  

Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, clinical psychologist and author, speaker, consultant, and research associate at Harvard Medical School, adds that “Self-esteem comes from consolidating who you are. The more identities you have, and the more time you spend pretending to be someone you aren’t, the harder it’s going to be to feel good about yourself.” 

Now also consider people who are in an older age bracket, for example, millennials who are currently 28-43 years old. Once you hit your 30s, especially as a woman, you start to become keenly aware of aging signs like fine lines, weight gain, grey hairs, etc. (I would know, I’m 33 years old and have stressed over one or more of these things at some point over the last few years). It’s when, for many people, those serious comparisons to their younger selves begin.  

And we’re not only comparing to ourselves from the past, but we’re also still comparing to everyone around us. Do you have a decent job? What about stable housing and a nice car? A picture-perfect relationship? Are your kids excelling at school and sports? Are you taking annual family vacations? Do you have an active social life? If you answered no to any of these questions, and you happen to be busy on social media, it’s possible that you’ve experienced some anxiety when you see everybody else’s perfectly crafted online lives. Although we try to remind ourselves that we’re only seeing a small percentage of what’s really going on, sometimes it can be hard to ignore the constant imagery and not feel like we are failing by comparison.

Instagram face 

Another aspect of “sense of self” is how we feel about our physical appearance. While we like to say that appearance doesn’t matter, on a certain level it does. Often, the better we feel about how we look, the more confident we are to push our own limits and take on new endeavors. Caring for one’s physical appearance can lead to healthy lifestyle choices – working out, eating right, a nice skincare regimen, sleeping well, good hygiene – all that can make you feel more attractive, and thus, more confident. 

However, the darker side that we’re seeing here seems to a be a form of body dysmorphia that’s spreading throughout society. As we encounter more filtered and photoshopped photos, dubbed aptly as “Instagram face” we’re also seeing a surge in cosmetic procedures. And no, it’s not just that we’re noticing it more, it’s actually happening more. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, there was a 19% increase in cosmetic procedures between 2019 and 2022, and those numbers are growing year-over-year. It’s no coincidence that the number of people getting fillers, botox, threading, and other work done is climbing right alongside the rate of social media users. People are paying to look like their filtered selves.

Social media and the cosmetic industry have done a great job at branding all these procedures as “self care”, or “preventative maintenance” or whatever other cute terminology they want to use, but let’s be real for a second here, this is an industry built off people’s insecurities – women in particular. They’ve done so well at misrepresenting the true nature of the industry, that people are beginning to think it’s normal to spend thousands of dollars per year to cut up their bodies and inject toxins and other chemicals into their faces. Aging is a natural process, and society has made us terrified of it.  

And while I’m all for people doing what they need to do to feel like the best versions of themselves, how can we stand behind an industry that profits from a society that hates themselves? And believe me, it’s not something I haven’t considered at some points myself. I’ve thought about getting botox in my forehead to prevent wrinkles as I see fine lines developing, or fillers in my smile lines that are a major source of insecurity at times… but I’ll tell you what, it’s not because I’m a self-aware, elevated individual who is so immune to what others think that I’m willing to undergo cosmetic work for self-improvement, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is lying more often than not. It was because I looked in the mirror, and based on the hundreds of fake images I see throughout the week on social media, I wasn’t happy with what I saw looking back at me.